Long Division Just Doesn't MatterCause We're All In This Together.

2006-07-09T13:14:00.000-06:00

i started a new blog.

*my new home*

2006-06-30T01:25:00.000-06:00

**update on my life coming soon.**

IN THE MEANTIME...

watch this hilarious video that i saw at kadesh. it makes me very happy that Jesus didn't really act this way.

2006-06-12T20:13:00.000-06:00

hello blog friends.
summer is awesome.
my favorite things this summer include:
thrift store shopping & movies
& dresses & sun & sleeping in
& elliott smith & jaymay (download it)
& rilo kiley & the format & the ditty bops
& so so so much more.
mmmm music.

coming soon:
kadesh & college registration & camping trip & mission trip.
woo!

AND MY FAVORITE PICTURE OF THE MOMENT:

2006-05-21T12:57:00.000-06:00

I have putting off this post in fear that anything I could write would somehow not be sufficient enough. Friday was my last day of high school. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't plan out a cute outfit, I didn't bring my camera, I even forgot to get my teachers to sign my checkout sheet. I didn't shed a single tear. I didn't say a single goodbye. Because I am honestly happy that I will be leaving high school. I do not feel like Highlands Ranch and Mountain Vista have anything else to offer me. Because of this, I checked out a year too early, and that is why I think, NO I KNOW, that I did so terrible in all of my classes, and inevitably failed AP European History. That is why I am not graduating on time and while everyone else willl be putting on their cap and gown the morning on May 25 I will be simply attending a ceremony. Despite how depressing that sounds, I am okay with that. I am content with myself. I know I made a lot of mistakes this year and I know that I am capable of much more, but there is only room for improvement. I also know that although I failed, I also accomplished SO much because I acquired the most wonderful, amazing, beautiful friends in the world. Friday night exemplified this feeling.

There is no possible way that I could explain Friday night. It was the most liberating, wonderful, surreal, amazing night of my life. It made me think of my favorite line from Perks of Being a Wallflower. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite. felt as though time stopped when I was standing there on stage with pieces of cupcake between my toes and chocolate syrup dripping down my face. As I danced around with my friends I felt more alive then ever before. I have met the most wonderful people and I don't know how things will be without them. As Jessica said in our final circle, "I am afraid that I will never be this happy again." And it is true. I really am worried that I will never be able to capture the feeling that I had Friday night ever again. I am scared to know that next year (what am I saying, college is in three months) we will all experience everything on our own and things will never be the same. Yet, excited to see what everyone accomplishes.

I am at a crossroads. Everything I know is ending, yet everything is beginning. Part of me wants to run as far away from here as possible and the other part of me never wants to leave.

2006-05-13T15:11:00.000-06:00

nobody has an excuse for not coming to my musical.
ok.

2006-05-04T18:32:00.000-06:00

i am so freaking jealous!!!!!!!

2006-04-26T21:27:00.000-06:00

this is proof that i know god exists!

my cousin kellie writes in this blog. her children are works of god, and seeing thier pictures reminds me that god is out there.

2006-04-23T20:43:00.000-06:00

if you'll be my star, i'll be your sky- you can hide underneath me and come out at night. when i turn jet black and you show of your light- i live to let you shine. but you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy far away from here.... just leave me your stardust to remember you by.
*boats and birds*

jordan and i are too freaking cute.

exhibit a.
i can't believe i never wrote about this.
a few weeks ago, we went downtown.
and he took me to water course.
(this is super cute mainly because it is a vegeterian resteraunt,
and i gave up meat for lent. and he thought about it.)
and we played the music game.
something that nobody else would really like.
but we are so cute.

exhibit b.
last night we were supposed to go to chris russell's play.
it was sold out.
sucky.
but then, we just wandered around downtown and got jamba.
we layed in the grass at civic center.
and i ran through sprinklers.
and when my clothes were all wet.
he let me wear his comfy pants.
awww.

exhibit c.
tonight we went to the park hoping for rain.
when we were outside for a while and no rain came we were sad.
but then we noticed the sprinklers were on.
and we ran through them together holding hands.
and it we kissed in the place where the two spinklers meet.
it was cute and movie like.
and then we layed in the grass and quoted movies.
and then we sat underneath the playground and played house kinda.
and we are awesome.

exhibit d.
on may 18 it will be six months.
(see exhibit e)
so we are gunna have a party.
kinda.
and we are gunna be awesome.
and go out to breakfast and lunch and dinner.
and its gunna be at all our favorite places.
cause we are too dang cute.

exhibit e.
ely bowlby's cast party. november 18.
jordan and i layed in the hammock on her porch forever.
and then we watched aladdin.
and i fell asleep on his shoulder.
and it was cute.
and thats when he knew he was gunna date me.
hence, we call this day our anniversary.

exhibit f.
on valentines day he took me to the stars/the elected concert.
and before it my pants ripped.
and he didn't even laugh at me.
he just drove me home to change.
and when we got there people gave us a valentine.
and this girl behind us kept staring at him and he didn't notice.
and when it was raining he held me tight cause i was cold.
and he let me wear his hobo jacket.

and there are many more where those came from.
you KNOW you are jealous.

2006-04-23T17:29:00.000-06:00

it's days like today that i realize how blessed i am and just how lucky i am to be alive. abby hoffman, a mountain vista alum, died this weekend in a car accident. as far as i have heard the accident was completely out of here control. i wasn't that close to her so i am not going to go on about how much i am going to miss her, etc, because we all know that would be a bunch of crap... but what i can say is that it has reminded me once again just how short this life could be. tomorrow is a gift. i want to live in a way that i would be "ready" to go in an instant. because of this, i want you all to know that i love you so much. all of my friends are so incredibly amazing and beautiful to me i can't even stand it. you guys bring out the best and me and i am so flipping blessed to have you.

2006-04-20T15:04:00.000-06:00

I spent the entire day dancing and it was so fun. Today while dancing I came to a conclusion.
I am 5 million times more comfortable this year with myself then I ever have been before and I know this because.... while doing the hey yah dance for the class, I had a blast. In the past I would hide in the back, but today, I "shook it" with all I had (like a polaroid picture, if you will) and afterwards, i hear a unanimous, "you are amazing, amanda" come from the boys in front of me. pure joy. =] Today was good. Not to mention the fact that in my musical in theatre we are doing WEST SIDE STORY dancing to LIFE AQUATIC music. um, yes please. You better come to the musicals on May 19 because it would make me so happy. "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Floorgreens" (a new musical comedy) is the most amazing thing to hit Mountain Vista... ever. eeek! And, I just thought I would remind you that my last day of high school is a month from yesterday. AAHHH!

I love you all!

2006-04-16T19:26:00.000-06:00

Today I was riding around in the car with my parents and my cousin. I had a cd that I had burned in the cd player and I was dancing and singing along with the music. My mom turned to Amy and said, "we can't figure out what is wrong with her. she's crazy isn't she? *laugh*" And I thought about it, and I know exactly what's wrong. I am amazingly happy with my life and who I am. I know there is stuff I have to work on, but I feel content. I am graduating high school in six weeks. I have amazing friends. My boyfriend is wonderful. I am happy to be alive. hooray!

2006-04-15T11:29:00.000-06:00

jordan asked me to prom this morning.
he made me breakfast and woke me up and it was cute.
we are THE BEST couple ever.
we are a ten on the richter scale.
(hehe. thats not possible.)

2006-04-12T19:12:00.000-06:00

"OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true. "

i feel like sam from garden state. lately i have caught myself lieing to everyone about everything.... and i can't even control it sometimes. i catch myself lieing about crap that doesn't even matter. it's gotten me screwed more then one way in the past couple of days and i feel helpless. i need to stop. if you EVER catch me lieing about something, stop me, yell and scream at me, do whatever you need to do. please.

2006-04-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

i am having the hardest time focusing.
shoot me now.

meet my prom dress.

2006-04-06T20:22:00.000-06:00

hooray! i found one! it is so purtiful =]

2006-04-02T20:54:00.000-06:00

2006-04-02T16:12:00.000-06:00

Graham: It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

this.movie.is.amazing.

2006-04-02T12:48:00.000-06:00

2006-03-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

so i decided i am going to be way awesome and make myself a cute summer dress to wear for graduation and other such things. i have not made anything yet so i am way excited. i tried to post a picture but it is not working. :( you will just have to imagine. it's gunna be a halter and imy fabric is purple with squiggles. it will be amazing.

in other news. i am ungrounded now. i am pretty excited, not gunna lie. i am getting kinda sick of doing nothing. as exciting as it has been listening to music and doing homework... i am ready to see my friends!!! amy dropped by to pick something up yesterday and i got so flippin excited. hehe. i really need to get out. in an hour i will be away frome here! eeeek!

i keep trying to call jordan to tell him to come out with me tonight and he is not home and it is making me sad. i have not seen him since at school on friday. that is too long. for serious. call me baby!!!!

fyi- this blog is kinda written in kevin style. i like kevin style.

i also really like egg salad. that is what my mommy is making me right now. so i thought that being a vegeterian would be harder then this. like, it has been 25 days and i have not quit yet. i have never gotten all the way through lent before. i am pretty dang proud of myself. woohoo! but for real, on easter, i am eating chicken nuggets from wendys. cause that is what i really want.

i love gregory and the hawk. "if you'll be my star, i'll be your sky. you could hide underneath me and come out at night when i turn jet black and you show off your light. i live to let you shine. you could sky rocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy far from here with more room to fly. just leave me some stardust to remember you by..."

oh man. i ♥ indie music. i can't get enough of it. the feverfew is also amazing. that girl is so wonderful. gosh. i want to be talented. so so so bad. will somebody please get me some talent for a present?

(nicole, that is what i want for graduation. talent. could you arrange that?)

oh graduation. my mom and i drove around and looked at virtually every park in highlands ranch and picked the location for my grad party. it is going to be at red tail park. and it is going to be a-maz-ing. note: a close second was dad clark park. why do we not hang out there more? it is so freaking cute. omg. i never even knew that it existed until today.

yay! the format just came on! i love shuffle! why do they make suicide sound so good? dang, "it's killing me to see you. just tie the rope! (woooah!) and kick the chair!" i want to go to this concert. so bad.

so funny story. my dog figured out how to open the refrigerator with his nose. and now he just does it as a joke. it was funny the first couple times and now it is just completely obnoxious. expletives.

i get to meet kate soon. i was worried i wasn't going ot be able to meet her cause i was grounded but the rents were nice and ended my sentence early. i am getting out on good behaviour. lol. it is my first referal ever and first grounding in two years so i think that it is logical for them to treat me nice. i've never done anything too terrible.

actually, i had never really done anything wrong until this year. this year i had many firsts...

*first time coming home after curfew.
*first time sneaking a boy in. (lol. i don't think it really counts. he left by 2:30)
*first time going to waffle house at 3 in the morning.
*first time staying out all night.
*first time ditching class.
*first time smoking hookah. (yes i have everyone.)
*first time ditching class.
*first time forging a note.
*and... i am sure there are more.

i am basically awesome. lol. funny that those are my things that i have done that are bad. i am so not bad-a at all. feel free to make fun of me everyone.

yum. dinner is ready. i shall go now.

2006-03-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

so i had elliot call me in for 2nd period on wednesday and i got caught. so basically now all there is to do is work on homework, watch tv, and search crap on the internet. let me just say it has not been a very eventful couple of days. i did find my new favorite site on the internet though. www.asofterworld.com is up there in my heart with postsecret. it is amazing. for reals.

in other news, my family is moving. we are working on fixing up my house this week and making it super clean and painting and such and then we plan on putting it on the market within the next couple weeks. (which means that i am going to be doing crazy insane organizing and cleaning in the next couple weeks and i will have to paint my walls white again.) we are looking for a cute little house in englewood with a finished basement with a room and a bathroom for me to stay in when i come home to visit. i don't really care what the house is like since i am leaving a few months after we move in anyways. it is guna kinda suck though, cause that means i will not live in the ranch over summer. oh well i guess. i can always drive. englewood isn't really that far away.

we graduate in 60 days. i am so crazy excited about college i can't even stand it. i signed up for passport today which is a two day orientation kinda thing where i will see the campus and register for classes. celina is going the same time as me so that will be way fun. i really think that us rooming together is guna work out great since we don't know eachother that well and we are pretty similiar. (i think casey and emily will also be there that time) eeeek. i am going to be a college student. I AM SO FLIPPING EXCITED!!!!!

i am sure you will hear more from me soon, since i am still grounded for two more days. for now i am off to finish some homework.

2006-03-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

Drink up baby down. Mmm, are you in or are you out? Leave your things behind 'cuz it's all going off without you. 'Scuze me, too busy, you're writing your tragedy. These mishaps, your bubble wrap, when, you've no idea what you're like... So let go. Mmm, jump in. Oh well whatcha waiting for? It's alright, 'cuz there's beauty in the breakdown. (So let go) Yeah, let go, just get in. Oh it's so amazing here. It's alright, 'cuz there's beauty in the breakdown. It gains the more it gives, and then it rises with the fall. So hand me that remote. Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow? Such boundless pleasure, we've no time for later now. You can't await your own arrival. You've twenty seconds to comply. So let go. Mmm, jump in. Oh well whatcha waiting for? It's alright, 'cuz there's beauty in the breakdown. (So let go) Yeah, let go, just get in. Oh it's so amazing here. It's alright, 'cuz there's beauty in the breakdown. *Let Go, Frou Frou*

It is incredibly beautiful outside. I sit here staring out the window with a beautiful song echoing in my ears from my ipod. Tears are streaming down my eyes because I am in complete awe of how beautiful God is. I feel alive right now. Crying reminds me that everything is real. There are times that I am scared that it is all just an elaborate stage production, as if I am following some cliche script and somebody is directing my every move. I fear that the emotions I am feeling are written into the stage directions by some playwrite and that it is all a big joke. And just when I start to believe that I am simply playing a part, I start to cry, and I remember that everything is real.

2006-03-14T15:55:00.000-07:00

ronald reagan part 2?

my feelings at the moment, represented through music.

2006-03-12T18:36:00.001-07:00

So you know how much I need you, but you never even see me do you? And is this my final chance of getting you? But on and on, from the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep, I'll be there by your side, Just you try and stop me. I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care. -Coldplay

Live for today, we'll dream tomorrow. We've got big plans in sight. We'll take this city, and by nightfall those bright lights are calling. Everything is going our way. Everything is just as we planned. This is our future, or what we've heard, and I've still got your hand. -Anberlin

In my life, I've loved them all. -The Beatles

Here comes the sun and I say, it's alright...-The Beatles

Where'd all the good people go? -Jack Johnson

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything will be just fine. -Jimmy Eat World

Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk to you again...and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence. -Simon and Garfunkel

We do the best we can in a small town, act like kids in love when the sun goes down. If it's not too late for coffee, I'll be at your place in ten. We'll hit that all night diner, and then we'll see. -Copeland

I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me. -Tegan and Sara

And you said yourself that I'm falling towards the sun, like i disquise myself to make you forget I'm the one. Like this was just a trap I built and you were just a game I won. I don't want to run... It's harder in December, it's harder in the cold, it's harder not to remember all the lies we've told late at night... -The feverfew

She said, I must be fine cause my hearts still beating. -The White Stripes

2006-03-11T18:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Jenny Lewis,

Can I please be you?

You have more talent in your pinky

than I have in my whole body.

I don't think that is fair.

You are also way too gorgeous.

Stop that right now.

2006-03-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

what i love about being a senior....
instead of working on our movie in theatre (which we finished filming in two days because we don't care), amy, austin, and i are sitting in the green room watching finding neverland and enjoying a feast of coke, gummy bears, pretzels, and frosting. it is so incredibly fantastic and i honestly could not ask for anything better. high school is so much more then class. =]

2006-03-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

70 degrees

Wednesday, March 8, 2006
30 degrees

Oh how I love Colorado weather.

2006-03-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

2006-03-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

i. have. no. control. over. what. you. do.

but i sure as hell wish i did.

you are not invinsible...

life matters.

you matter.

2006-02-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

"But I keep allowing this guy to account for so much of what I think of myself. I allow him to make me feel valuable. And the bottom line is I know that's wrong. I would tell any friend of mine that's wrong...Becky, I hope our daughters never feel like us. I hope our daughters feel so worthwhile." -Heidi

I am like Heidi. I let the world tell me what to think about myself. I hate stereotypes and judgements but I cling to them with all my might. Even though I know it is stupid I am constantly making judgements about who I talk to, who I am nice to, who I like. I try and adapt my personality depended on who I am around. I even take into consideration what clothes I am wearing when I am around certain people. It's ridiculous. I am such a hypocrit. I don't know what it is that is keeping me from just being myself. I am just so scared that people aren't going to like me.

I told Jordan that I did not like somebody that he hung out with solely based on judgements because I think/thought the friend was "a bad person". I do not even know the friend. Yet, I said I would not want to hang out with them. The funny thing is that I am scared that this same person won't like me because they will make judgements about me. And the worst thing... I said that in this persons pictures they look like somebody I would hang out with because they are cute. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME? I really can not believe I said that. I can not believe I am being so judgemental about this. I am treating this person exactly how I don't want to be treated.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be my happy, unique, interesting self around everybody. I want to be nice to everybody. I want to give everyone a chance. I want to be loving. I want to be easy going. I want to be okay with being myself.

Please pray for me about this. It is something I have always struggled with and I really don't want to be a judgemental person anymore.

2006-02-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

i have lost my faith.

i don't even know what i believe in anymore.

i want so badly for God to be the answer....

but i'm scared that He's not.

2006-02-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

thursday night- check.

damn good show. =]

those are six words i will never ever say again.

i don't know if i should cry, or laugh, or cheer... it is surreal.

funnyness.

2006-01-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

the minister at my church, David Thurman, was sick today.
David Thurman: I can't sing today, so I just sat back and listened. It was beautiful, I think I'm going to have to do that again soon.
This hilarious man Arthur: Amen.

2006-01-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

2006. I have such high expectations for this year. I know it will be fabulous. When a year starts out the way mine did, it has to be good. I went over to Austin's house and hung out a group of people that I love dearly. We did fireworks, ate good food, and watched Saturday Night Live. At midnight we yelled and toasted with sparkling cider. Simple, but good. After everyone left, Hap, Jordan, and I stood next to Hap's car and talked about life. I love serious talks about life late at night. After a while, we drove to Waffle House, where we talked some more. I feel safe with those two. Actually, I feel safe with all of supergroup. Jessica, Austin, Phil, Amy, Lauren... you guys make me feel happy. I like that feeling. It's a feeling I haven't had in a long time, and I hope I don't lose it. I finally walked in my door at five in the morning. I went into my room, collapsed, and fell asleep to good music on my ipod. The year can only get better.

2005-12-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

Prime Minister: Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

2005-12-16T14:50:00.000-07:00

I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. Looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why.
I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

so i stole this from sarah's away message. it's pretty great. i have never read that book but i think that i want to now. for sure for sure. it's so true though- i wish sledding was enough, but even though it isn't, i find things in my life that are. i am treasuring every single precious moment of every single precious day! life is just wonderful. i feel like i'm in a movie sometimes. things are going better with my girlies. [hooray!] things are going fabulous with all of my friends, actually. i have the most fun hanging out with the theatre kids. they are just oh so fun. I LOVE PARKING IN THE BACK CORNER OF THE PARKING LOT, AND PRETENDING I'M COOL ENOUGH TO DO SO. =] hehe. i also love: fight club, theatre ensemble [judge you?], going out to lunch, napkin drawings, trips to target, looking around the movie section for an hour, random movies [such as ten things], and much much more.
on top of having wonderful friends, i have a crush on the most wonderful guy [jordan tuzzeo]. and, he has a crush on me too. hooray! we went out to lunch on tuesday. and, it was great. i am comfortable around him. and its wonderful. he makes me smile. i don't really care that i don't know what we are or where we are going- because hanging out with him and having him in my life is enough. for sure.
*manda

2005-12-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

THESPIAN CONFERENCE = FANTASTIC.

2005-11-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

oh my word. life is so precious. i forget how lucky i am to get through every day alive until something terrible happens. my little tyler got hit by a car. my cute, precious, little freshman tyler is laying in a hospital bed right now because some idiot ran a red light. :( if you are reading this, please drive safely, if not for your own sake, at least be careful for the other people on the road and the peoples families and friends. this is just so terrifying to me. tyler had no idea this was going to happen to him. it's just proof that there are not guarantees in life. God has a bigger plan for me. it's not worth it to make the stupid mistakes that i've been making and to let the stupid people get in the way of me living my life to the fullest. tomorrow is not a guarentee. tomorrow is a gift. today is a gift. life in general is a gift. stupid high school drama doesn't matter. whether or not some boy has a crush on me doesnt matter. what i am wearing doesnt matter. labels and groups and judgements don't matter. LIFE IS WHAT MATTERS. DO NOT LET IT GO TO WASTE. to quote rent...

"forget regret, or life is yours to miss. no other road, no other way, no day but today."

2005-11-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

i love life. i am thankful for so much, i could not even begin to list it all. i am so happy. woooo! :) i think i'm finding myself. lame, yes, but true. who i am is not defined by who i hang out with. i don't need to be part of a specific group to be who i am. i've been clinging to my best friends, and i'm learning that getting out of the box is no problem. out of the box, i can be who i am. it's not that i am not comfortable with myself with my normal group of friends within the box, its just that i've changed alot. when i am around them, i don't really know what to do, so i just go back to what i have been used to for so long. we all do the same thing. we are scared to admit that we are different and that we aren't going to be stuck in our little bubble forever. we have all chosen to shelter ourselves. i've figured it out. its okay if we have all changed, because we love eachother and things will be okay. we all need to learn to embrace who we are now, and who we are without the group. i love this. i feel so secure with my life. i am figuring out who AMANDA HARRISON is. my identity is not what my friends want me to be, or what i have changed myself to be with them. my identity is my own. it's actually really fun. i don't hate it here anymore. i love it. i am having a blast and i don't want to leave. at least not yet. i have seven more months until i graduate highschool and i am looking forward to seeing what will happen. yeeeah!
((on a random note... turns out i dress kinda emo. who ever knew? not me.))

2005-11-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

life is happy. i have found the most amazing people to hang out with and i never want to lose them. ever. music man made my life, and now that its over we're still hanging out. shocking, i know. we played football after school. it was the most entertaining game of football ever. and, i have a crush. it makes me happy. i don't really know if anything will happen, but i don't really care, because i like having crushes. hes a super cool guy. yay. wooooohooo, i like life. music man is definetely the BEST thing from high school so far. yeeeah.

2005-11-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

i have not been home earlier than 3am the past weekends. wooooah. but they were the best times of my life, thats for sure. i just love music man. why does it have to be over!?!

2005-11-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love this new RK song...

It's always nice to look out the window
And see those very first few flakes of snow
And later on we can go outside
And create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky
When February rolls around I'll roll my eyes
Turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies
And by the fire my heart it heaves a sigh
For the green grass waiting on the other side
It’s always winter but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope
It'd be so nice to look out the window
And see the leaves on the trees begin to show
The birds would congregate and sing
A song of birth a song of newer things
The wind would calm and the sun would shine
I'd go outside and I'd squint my eyes
But for now I will simply just withdraw
Sit here and wait for this world to thaw
And everything it changed overnight
This dying world You brought it back to life
And deep inside I felt things
Shifting everything was melting
Away oh away
And You gave us the most beautiful of days
Cause when it's always winter but never Christmas
Sometimes it feels like You're not with us
But You are here and we will not lose hope

*Relient K*

2005-11-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

How I know I'm a senior, reason number one:

*i came home at 3 in the morning, two nights in a row... and my parents did nothing about it.

* DO IT DO IT DO IT...

2005-11-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

"I miss that town, I miss their faces. You can’t erase- You can’t replace it. I miss it now, I can’t believe it. So hard to stay. Too hard to leave it. If I could relive those days, I know the one thing that would never change... Look at this photograph- Every time I do it makes me laugh."

Last night I went to my last Mountain Vista football game ever. I sat in the freezing cold- screaming, joking, cheering,and laughing with some of the most amazing people ever. There was no seperation between groups last night. We just sat dead center in front of the cheerleaders, drinking hot chocolate, smiling, taking pictures, and joking around. We exuberated one word: seniors. After the game, we all ran out on the field yelling the "DO IT " cheer to the senior football players. As the senior boys stood with tears running down thier faces, we all realized how close the end really is, and how much we really don't want to have to say goodbye. THIS IS IT. We will never be seniors at Mountain Vista High School again. EVER. After we talked to the boys we ran over to the large hill by the stadium and we rolled down the hill as if we were five years old again. :) All of us, lined up there, catapulting down the grass, screaming, and smiling. Alot of people left us, but I really couldn't bring myself to leave. I looked around and realized that me, Casey, Jenni, and Mandy were the last four people left at the stadium. We then made our night complete- cheesy and all. We took pictures, and the four of us stood there, arm in arm, singing Seasons of Love. five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes (times six). That's how long those three lovely ladies have been in my life. We travelled such a long journey to get where we are today. There's been many tears, fights, laughs... but we are still friends. That is what I am going to miss from high school. I am going to miss football games, driving around, serious talks, wendy's runs, hanging out in Goldtones, musicals, going out to dinner, school dances... THIS LIST COULD GO ON FOREVER. I will miss it, and this is it. There are so many people that I have not talked to in a long time, so many people I wish I would have gotten to know better, and this is my last chance.

IT'S TIME TO MAKE IT COUNT. S'EAGLES! 'O6 BABY!

* HAPPY.

2005-11-01T17:51:00.000-07:00

**MUSIC MAN IS FABULOUS. I LOVE:
PLAYING KITTY CANNON WITH THE BOYS
TAKING PHOTOS
CHATTING WITH PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW WELL

GOING OUT AS A CAST TO DINNER
GOING TO NOODLES WITH MY FAVORITE PEOPLE EVER
DANCING, SINGING, AND SO MUCH MORE.

HALLOWEEN WAS SO FUN.
SHANNON'S PARTY WAS WONDERFUL
AND MADE ME SUPER HAPPY.
I LOVED:
SITTING AROUND THE FIRE AND JUST TALKING.

GETTING SCARED BY RANDOM THINGS.
JUMPING ON THE TRAMP IN THE COLD WITH PATTY.

DRESSING UP LIKE A SKANKY FRESHMAN FOR A NIGHT
WATCHING SCREAM AND LITERALLY SCREAMING.

AND JUST BEING WITH THOSE PEOPLE.
((I TRIED TO POST PICTURES BUT IT'S NOT WORKING, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO UPLOAD THEM ONTO ONE OF THOSE PHOTO SITES, BECAUSE IT DOES NOT WORK FOR MY COMPUTER. BOO.))

I ALSO THROUGHLY ENJOYED TRICK-OR-TREATING
AND WATCHING LAGUNA BEACH WITH CASEY AND AUSTIN.
IT WAS SO FUN, BECAUSE I LOVE THE TWO OF THEM.

I CAN BE HAPPY.
THERE ARE THINGS I ENJOY HERE! :)
I JUST WANT AWAY FROM THE DRAMA.
DEAR FRIENDS: PLEASE STOP HATING EACHOTHER. I LOVE YOU ALL!

2005-10-17T21:33:00.000-06:00

AND THE TRUTH IS, LIFE IS TERRIBLY HARD BEHIND THE FACADE.
***This makes no sense because i am babling, just warning you***
ohmygaw. life. i'm such a freakin emotional rollercoaster i can not even stand it. one day i couldn't be happier to be alive, the next i'm bawling my eyes out. casey is graduating early. yay! (sarcastic tone) the musical is not very fun. i bombed my all state audition, and even though i say i don't care, it really pisses me off. school is kicking my butt and i'm failing two classes. if graduation was tomorrow guess who would not be walking. DING DING DING. me. scary, right? but, despite all that, my motivation decreases with the second. the longer the year goes on, the worse my grades get, the less i try. that doesnt really add up, does it? but, oh well. thats life. i'm just ready to leave. I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE AND HAVE GOOD TIMES WITH MY ROOMIE CELINA AND GET AWAY FROM THIS PLACE. man, i'm so unstable lately. i decided i'm not a very nice person. i really do not like a lot of people. i'm lucky i have friends. no joke. ufgh. ((and, i am a crazy person, and obsessed with love, and i've been really wanting to fall in love. like always me and casey were talking about the one person who is perfect for me who will remain unnamed and she says "i hope you two get married". :) i do too. i really do.))

oh my dear. i don't even make sense. what is wrong with me? i may not even graduate and all i can think about is going to college and falling in love and the future. what about the now amanda? huh? god. what would happen if i didn't graduate high school? nobody would expect that. i need help. i need to do my homework, and study more, and worry about the important things now, like getting into ACU and graduating high school, and keeping friendships with my friends, who i have been pushing away for god knows how long. i have just been focused on going to college and getting out of here, because if i don't care about anybody here it will be easier to leave, right? casey graduating early is proving it to me. I ONLY HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME LEFT. i havent even been going to church. i love church, and i have been choosing not to go. i have problems. this year is too hard. how am i supposed to survive on my own next year when i am falling apart now? oh my. god, please help me. i can't do this on my own.

2005-09-25T21:37:00.000-06:00

NO! I AM TAKING BACK MY LAST BLOG. HOMECOMING WAS AMAZING. IT WAS MY LAST HOMECOMING EVER, AND I HAD AN AMAZING TIME WITH MY FRIENDS. I DANCED MY BUTT OFF, I SANG MY HEART OUT TO BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (LOL), I HAD A GREAT TIME WITH CASEY AND JEFF AT DINNER, I LOOKED HOT, ALL MY FAVORITE PEOPLE WERE THERE... IT WAS INSANELY FUN! I DON'T CARE THAT MATT WAS THERE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT CONTROL MY LIFE ANYMORE. HE CAN MOVE ON, IT DOES NOT EVEN MATTER. I AM MY OWN PERSON WITH MY OWN WORTH AND I CAN HAVE FUN WITHOUT ANYBODY ELSE DICTATING TO ME WHAT I SHOULD DO OR NOT. I DON'T NEED HIM OR ANY OTHER GUY TO PROVE TO ME THAT I AM WORTH IT BECAUSE I KNOW THAT GOD THINKS I AM, AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS IN THE LONG RUN. I HAVE BEEN LETTING MATT CONTROL MY LIFE AND MY HAPPINESS FOR TOO LONG AND I AM NOT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN ANYMORE. I AM GOING TO HANG OUT WITH WHO I WANT AND I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT. THIS IS MY SENIOR YEAR, AND I AM GOING TO LIVE IT UP.

2005-09-25T15:09:00.000-06:00

homecoming was fun, but it really wasnt that amazing. there was just something that made it insanely hard for me to have fun. i don't really feel the need to elaborate. (i just don't understand why i always let other people control whether or not i have fun.) it's just that i now remember why i hate going to dances alone. i'm sick of watching everything go so well for everyone else in their relationships, and i want it to be my turn. i want things to work out for ME and they never do. what is so incredibly wrong with me?

*my life...

2005-09-12T18:44:00.000-06:00

me: alrighty, call me when you get hoe
me: home*
casey: i will....... and i don't think i'll ever get hoe, lol.
me: lol thats good

hehe :) i love casey! she is my favorite!

so, my life...

*my friends were/are fighting over homecoming. again. this happens everytime, we should just get used to it by now.

*i have no hc date, will not have a hc date, and may not even go anymore- it doesnt seem worth it anymore.

*matt.... oh dear. drama drama drama. me + him = bad.

*my mom is gettin freaked out about me going to college next year and we are getting into alot of fights. it is driving me nuts!

*my parents refuse to let me go out of the country on a mission trip because they feel that it is morally wrong and that it is unsafe. FFFHH! they refuse to explain their reasoning to me. it's frustrating because i know that i need to respect my parents... but it's hard when it's something like this that i know is right.

*church is amazing again. i love my youth group and i love the people in it and god has blessed me so much with them. although i miss jerrod and bryson and krystin oh so much, i love the people that are still here with me.

*i think that i am almost 99% about going to acu, and i found out that this girl beth that i know is also going there. i think i might ask her to room with me, but i have a lot of time to think about that...

*although i am 99% sure, i'm still 1% worried that i am taking the easy way out by going to acu and not trying for anywhere else.

*i love music man and the chances i'm getting to get to know new people. i absolutely adore my tuesday night noodles trips with the regular crew and everything else that comes along with musicals... such as those crazy dance rehearsals with keri and the crazy antics of theatre kids.

*on that note, i love my ensemble class. it makes my day! whenever i am having a horrible day, ensemble is there to rescue me. i still feel insanely intimated, but i know it will only help me improve.

*i am just in love with life. i love every drama filled second!

LAST SONG PLAYED ON I-TUNES... "more than useless" by relient k.

* hurry up and get here!

2005-09-05T21:47:00.000-06:00

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

*john mayer, love song for no one*

tee he he

2005-09-04T00:11:00.000-06:00

nick: i'll tell you straight up, an ipod is better than a boyfriend... it'll always make you feel just like you need to.
hehe. i love this kid! i can not WAIT to go visit him and jerrod and mallory and karla and everybody else at ACU in october! yay! i heart texas! lol. so life is pretty... normal. we started musical rehearsal and its going good. i finally turned seventeen. just as i imagined, my life is no different then when i was sixteen. except for now i can see films with more sex and violence (yes!) and i have an IPOD! thats pretty much it. as always, homecoming is becoming pretty dramatic. what is it about dances that makes us high school girls go crazy? we will never know. as of now, i am officially dateless... but i do have a backup date if i (like always) don't get a real one. lol. i don't really know what else to say and its pretty late, so i am gunna go.

2005-08-28T21:41:00.000-06:00

Why are we here and where do we go and how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving.
I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together.

i want someone to make things better. life is just so blah. i dont feel like being around my group of friends makes me happy anymore. i feel like nothing i do is good enough for them anymore. i feel like everyone has these horrible preconcieved notions about me and everyone is always making crazy assumptions about me. i just don't feel happy. i think about the times that have made me the happiest, and most of the time they happened away from my "group." i want to find a place where me is acceptable, and i don't feel that way here.

2005-08-10T23:03:00.000-06:00

ONE* trig/precalc with tingstrom.

TWO* ap european history with patrick.

THREE* concert choir with mckasson.

FOUR* 1st semester: psychology with minish.
2nd semester: individual sports with debolt.

FIVE* goldtones with mckasson.

SIX* english with wells.

SEVEN* theatre ensemble with goldson.

jerrod leaves friday.

i have to say goodbye tomorrow and i don't want to.

this is the saddest thing ever.

he's like my big brother.

i couldn't stop crying tonight in class during worship.

i thought to myself, this is the last time

i will sing with jerrod for a long time...

we were singing theres a stirring, and i lost it.

"i will rise up, and then i'll bow down.

i will lay my crown at your precious wounded feet."

now that i think about it, it's not so bad...

i get to worship in heaven with him forever.
((and next year of course! yay for ACU!))

*my heroes are old school :)

2005-08-05T15:44:00.000-06:00

Well, i just got home from my mission trip today. it was quite crazy trying to get home. first, we were delayed an hour leaving albany. then, when we got to chicago, we had missed our connecting flight and all other flights that night. so we stayed over night in chicago. we woke up insano early to catch the seven am flight to minisota that could connect us to denver. once we got to the airport, we found out our connecting flight in minnesota was CANCELLED. so we changed our flight to the omaha one at ten (four hours later) and we all crashed in the airport. we finally left chicago at ten and ended up at home in denver at about one. oh man, it was a very long couple of days. but it was AWESOME! it was somewhat disapointing at times, but overall it was one of the most fun weeks of my life! i wish that i would have gotten to do more work though, because it didn't really feel like we ever did enough service! we did a youth rally and a vacation bible school about "old school" (old testament) heroes, such as david, daniel, and shadrack, meshack & abednego. at vbs i was in charge of crafts and the little kids were sososo cute! we also went to a nursing home one of the days. we did do service, but in general it just seemed like a random fun trip. but, it gave us alot of time to get to know the other group we went with. we went to albany one day, we went to funplex one day, and we went to nyc one day. the youth group we went with from texas was absolutely amazing and i'm so happy that we got to go with them! there was one guy jesse that me and casey hung out with all week that i am especially going to miss! he was real nice and real sweet all the time and he was a lot of fun to be with! :) i think that if he lived here in colorado i would have a big crush on him. too bad he's going to college in austin and i'm not going to college and i'm not in austin. thats how it always seems to work though, the sweet, nice, funny, christian guys all live far away from here. only one more year until acu and college and all that good stuff. oh man. what a week. besides jesse, i spent alot of time with his best friend ashley, this guy taylor, my new favorite person heath, two sisters named katie and carla, another guy named ryan, and of course my youth group. there will be more pictures and explanations of everybody once i have time! now, i must go unpack and do laundry for my grandpas house tomorrow!

2005-07-27T00:15:00.000-06:00

The saddest thing is you could be anything that you could want
We could have been everything
But now we’re not
Now it’s not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream I built with you
A fairytale that isn’t coming true
You’ve got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish I didn’t have these doubts
I wish I didn’t have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish I didn’t know inside
That it won’t work out for you and I
I wish that I could stop this wishing
And just say my last goodbye
After all the things you put me through
Tell me why I’m still in love with you
And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call
You broke my heart
I’m taking it back from you
I’m taking back the life that I gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I’ve got some growing up to do…
It’s time I said my last goodbye

2005-07-25T22:18:00.000-06:00

"stop burning bridges,
and drive off of them,
so i can forget about you."

why is everything so complicating and confusing?
ugh! i want to be logical and realistic, but... it's so hard.
why is this so hard?
he's just a boy.
i can live without him... right?

2005-07-19T20:54:00.000-06:00

Can You hear me? Does anyone around me
Feel the way that I feel now?
Cause from the window where I sometimes cry
I just want to see Your face tonight
And I’m willing to lose everything I am
Cause I need You more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ve been going wrong so far
Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone anymore
When You’re near me, I feel like I just found me
In the traces of the [girl] from yesterday
But in a world that is so black and white
I will take the steps to change my life
And I won’t be coming back to here again
I need Your loving hand to guide me
Through the maze of all the things inside me
Then I’ll know that I’m alright
Cause I need You more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ll be going wrong so far
Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone anymore
Please help me get from worse to better
Before these tears soak through this lonely sweater
And let me know that I’m alright
I still have one strike of this match left
And I’m holding on to my last breath
And it’s getting a little dark around to see here
Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone
Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on it will be alright
You’re not alone
And You’ll be here forever, forever You’ll stay
And You promised to love me, You’ll love me always
You’ll love me for always, You’ll love me for always
Always

2005-07-10T20:31:00.000-06:00

Here's the thing::We started out friends::It was cool, but it was all pretend::Yeah, yeah, since you been gone::Dedicated, you took the time::Wasn't long till I called you mine::Yeah, yeah, since you been gone::And all you'd ever hear me say::Is how I picture me with you::That's all you'd ever hear me say::But since you been gone::I can breathe for the first time::I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah::Thanks to you, now I get what I want::Since you been gone::How can I put it, you put me on::I even fell for that stupid love song::Yeah, yeah, since you been gone::How come I'd never hear you say::I just wanna be with you::Guess you never felt that way::But since you been gone::I can breathe for the first time::I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah::Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want::Since you been gone::You had your chance, you blew it::Out of sight, out of mind::Shut your mouth, I just can't take it::Again and again and again and again::Since you been gone (since you been gone)::I can breathe for the first time::I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah::Thanks to you (thanks to you)::Now I get, I get what I want::I can breathe for the first time::I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah::Thanks to you (thanks to you)::Now I get (I get)::You should know (you should know) that I get::I get what I want::Since you been gone::Since you been gone::Since you been gone

:) i feel so happy. i would have never thought that this situation would make me happy... but its wonderful. sorry, if you know what happened, then good, and if you don't... ask and maybe i will tell you. i pretty much just dont want to ever have to tell the story again, but if i love you enough i will. long story short, something terrible and horrible happened that made me want to just give up all hope at first... but after dealing with it i realized it was the greatest thing ever. it helped me get over matt when i needed to and helped me to realize what is really worth it in life! suffering over a silly boy is definetely not worth it! i realized that matt was not the right guy for me and i was trying to make him be. its not worth it to date somebody just because. somewhere out there is somebody perfect and when i find him it will be wonderful! i am very exciting for the perfect someone, and until them i'm not going to settle for anything less!

* happy fourth.

2005-07-04T15:30:00.000-06:00

SpyderX911: we can do fireworks just not in the city limits
SpyderX911: all we want
SpyderX911: it's texas
SpyderX911: bigger is better
SpyderX911: hahahahaha
silly texans!
happy fourth of july everybody!

* be my escape.

2005-06-29T15:13:00.000-06:00

i’ve given up on giving up slowly, i’m blending in so you won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate...this one last bullet you mention, it’s my one last shot at redemption- cause i know to live you must give your life away. and i’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity. and i’ve been locked inside that house, all the while you hold the key. and i’ve been dying to get out, and that might be the death of me. and even though there’s no way of knowing where to go i promise i’m going because…i gotta get out of here. i’m stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake. i gotta get out of here. and i’m begging you, i’m begging you, i’m begging you to be my escape. i've given up on doing this alone now, guess i failed and i’m ready to shown now. you told me the way and now i’m trying to get there. and this life sentence that i’m serving, i admit that i’m every bit deserving but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. cause i’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity. and i’ve been locked inside that house, all the while you hold the key. and i’ve been dying to get out, and that might be the death of me. and even though there’s no way of knowing where to go i promise i’m going because…i gotta get outta here, cause i’m afraid that this complacency is something i can’t shake. i gotta get out of here and i’m begging you, i’m begging you, i'm begging you to be my escape. i am a hostage to my own humanity, self-detained and forced to live in this mess i’ve made. and all i’m asking is for you to do what you can with me. but i can’t ask you to give what you already gave. cause i’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity. and i’ve been locked inside that house, all the while you hold the key. and i’ve been dying to get out, and that might be the death of me. and even though there’s no way of knowing where to go i promise i’m going because…i gotta get out of here and i’m begging you, i’m begging you, i’m begging you to be my escape.

* a tribute to my bestest friend...

2005-06-28T19:48:00.000-06:00

Me and Jenni at prom!

**i am warning you guys that now that blogger lets me put pictures in entries there's gunna be one in like every single one!**
jenni: he said, go learn to snowboard and they will flock to you. i swear to you on my life it would work... they would follow you in droves.
me: i know how to snowboard and boys don't follow me! i guess i'm just not hot enough. :(
jenni: you are way hot!
me: aw, you are way hot too!
jenni: thanks! we are both so hot!
me: heck yes!
i just wanted to tell everyone how flippin awesome my best friend jenni is. we are 76% compatible, according to data match... haha, and we have wonderful times (even though she's mormon... jk)! everyone should be jealous because they don't have a best friend as cool as her. she is totally cool and totally hot and i love her to pieces! yay! i think its dumb when certain boys are meany faces to her, because she doesn't deserve it. she deserves the most wonderful, most perfect, most beautiful guy to love her and to give her the perfect first kiss. BOYS, STOP BEING DUMB! (especially if your name begins with a j and ends with an acob. i hate you right now.) yay for jenni being super hot!

HOPE.

2005-06-26T16:27:00.000-06:00

i took this post away because it was just me being a dramatic girl and i don't like it. i instead switched it out for a random picture of me at the big texan in amarillo. that's one flippin huge chair! haha. kadesh was an incredibly amazing, incredibly emotional week. it was such a rollercoaster for me. one minute i was up, one minute i was down. i cried my eyes out many times. i didn't realize that hope was such a difficult topic for me. i always thought i had so much hope in God, and at kadesh i learned that i was placing my hope in other things. i learned that i always put my hope in the people around me and my family and myself. by doing that i constantly find myself trapped in satan's lies. i've been stuck thinking that if my parents and some of my friends have no faith, then there is really no hope in my having faith. i was doubting this up until last night. i talked to nathan, and he made me realize that i need to live with hope in god not only for myself, but mainly for others around me. it is my job to plants seeds in the lives on the unbelievers in order to show them that they can also have hope. i need to place my hope in God. He is so amazingly powerful and He can accomplish anything in my life. He has a plan for me and He will do what needs to be done. even though i have my doubts, He will figure things out. i have a living hope. i have a future. God has a plan for me. of this i'm sure. Jesus, You're my firm foundation. i know i can stand secure. Jesus, You're my firm foundation. i put my hope in Your holy word.

.....

2005-06-15T23:48:00.000-06:00

so, we broke up.

i really am sorry matt.
i need this for myself.
and for God.
running back to You,
running back like You want me to.
running back to You,
running back to You and i feel renewed.

* so it's summer...

2005-06-12T19:30:00.000-06:00

it really hasn't been too special. i work monday-thursday. its not too hard considering all i do is hang out at the pool and play games with my cousin and i get $135 a week. its a pretty good deal so i'm not complaining. its pretty flipping boring though. my life has been so monotonous so far this summer. i have become obsessed with purevolume.com and it takes up a big chunk of my free time. i discovered two amazing bands, emery and anberlin. go to purevolume and download thier music because they are amazing!!! hmm, thats really all i have to say. aren't i exciting? i have spent a lot of time with my parents. bleh, i just havent been feeling up to doing anything. oh well. i just keep clutching on to the fact that i leave for kadesh in a week and then i can truely be free. i need to get away from life! i just don't don't feel like myself and i need a week to just take a break.

2005-06-09T19:29:00.000-06:00

i miss casey. she is on a mission trip and i really want/need to talk to her. i never realized that she was my only real friend at church until she was gone this week. i feel like i am everyones charity case and people are only being nice to me because they feel like they have to. this sucks.

me and the cops have been seeing too much of eachother lately...

2005-06-05T19:30:00.000-06:00

on wednesday night, casey and i thought it would be the perfect time to start the youth group TP war. spencer claimed we didnt have the guts to do it... so he was our first target. it was going to be the most perfect TP job ever. me and casey got in the car and drove over to spencers house. we parked on the side street so that nobody would see us pull up. we promised not to speak. we arrived and split up. i worked on chalking the driveway while casey began TPing. we were encouraging. i wrote a bible verse with loving things underneath. i wrote: pass on the TP war. we were starting something exciting. casey was doing an excellent job TPing. everything was going to be great. and then... a cop started down the street. no way. this could not be happening. we were only done with eleven rolls and we still had to do all the forks and cups. i ran to hide, but had no good hiding place. i jumped behind a bush. the cop pulled DIRECTLY in front of spencers house. he stepped out of his car, and shined a flashlight at me. i stepped out on to the driveway and casey joined me. the cop began to laugh. "you two are just in the wrong place at the wrong time! do you know these people?" confused, we just answered: yes sir, these people go to our church. he made us take a seat on the porch. he knocked on the door. he then explained, i'm just here on the broken mailbox incident. dennis(spencers dad) called the cops earlier this evening about something entirely different. apparently some psycho guy had bashed in thier nieghbor's mailbox. crap, we both thought. this could have been perfect. dennis came to the door and out to the porch looking insanely confused. when the cop explained what happened he too began to laugh. of all the youth group kids me and casey are the last two he would expect to be sitting on his porch with a cop in the middle of the night. the cop explained to dennis that it was up to him what to do with us. as he explained, he laughed and commented on how high casey got the TP in the tree. dennis laughed along with him and told us to go ahead and go on home and he chuckled, see you at church girls. we picked up our stuff and walked back to our car. stupid cop. now nobody will stop making fun of us...

* poor hans.

2005-05-22T14:05:00.000-06:00

yesterday seemed like it was going to be a pretty awesome day. i went to the theatre picnic and had a blast! it was fun hanging out with everyone and hearing everyones great stories. after the picnic, i went home, i called jenni, we decided to go get food, and i went to pick her up. we left her house and embarked on our way towards park meadows, thinking we could find somewhere over there to eat. we were having a fun time driving around with the top down, wind blowing through our hair, enjoying the awesome weather. i was driving along wildcat and the light by the king soopers turned yellow. i went to downshift from third to second when my car got stuck in third gear and was revving like crazy. i was distracted trying to fix the gears when i heard jenni yell "amanda." at that point i slammed on my brakes and prayed that god would let my car stop in time. that was the longest 10 seconds of my life. my car finally came to a stop... but it wasn't fast enough because i hit the jeep in front of me. my brain just didn't work fast enough to think to just put the clutch in and step on the brake instead of trying to figure out what was wrong with the shifter, ugh. i was fine, jenni was fine, the people in the other car were fine, and the other car was fine, but hans... was not fine. the whole front of my car is completely smushed. it's all body damage, but it looks horrible and its gonna cost buttloads of money that i don't have to fix, thank god the ladies car was fine. i have to go to court on july 6, and as of now i have a four point ticket for "careless driving". grr, i am so stupid!!!!!! i guess i should just be glad that thats all that happened. i could have been a lot worse, so thank god that nobody was hurt, everyone was wearing seatbelts, and that it was only body damage...

ON A BETTER NOTE, I HAVE ONLY THREE DAYS LEFT OF SCHOOL, I GOT A 27 ON MY ACT, AND THERE ARE ONLY 27 DAYS UNTIL KADESH!!!!! i am so very excited for it to be summer so that i can do all the fun summer things! yay!

* i'm ready to do Your will.

2005-05-01T21:05:00.000-06:00

Refiners fire- my hearts one desire,
is to be holy, set apart for You Lord.
I choose to be holy, set apart for You,
my Master.
Ready to do Your will, O Lord,
I'm ready to do your will.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

* my di girlies.

2005-04-30T21:16:00.000-06:00

over and over this week god has been telling me that change is good and over and over i've been denying it, and tonight it finally hit me. life is a series of events, sometimes interconnected, sometimes not, but always out of my control. things will change, but god will bring me amazing stuff from it. i have just been noticing lately how much god knows whats going on. (i know, i know, thats an obvious one, but sometimes i need him to remind me) i have so many amazing people in my life, and things may change and they may leave, but the important things is that they are in my life RIGHT NOW. and thats all that matters :)
yay! on that note, i had my DI competition today. (lol) it was so fun. we are insanely loud and always make sure that we demand people to look at us... basically, everyone knows us and if they don't, they hear us and they remember us. haha. i had good times with them! we were jammin to hip hop in the car on the way down there and having a dance party. aww, i miss them! so many funny things were said, but i have a favorite quote of the day. i need to explain the background on it first. at the awards ceremony we met these guys from this itty bitty town by sterling. the town they live in has about 250 people in it and they were all farmers. while we talking to them erin noticed that they were all drinking from wendys cups and she said... "so this is like the first time you guys have ever had wendys huh?" lol. i mean come on... they have at least been out of their town ONCE in their lives. oh man, i love my DI girlies. we were reminsicing about going to tennesee last year because we saw our two favorite teams from last year... the infamous "pueblo boys" and "south park boys".

in tennessee me and katie hung out with the pueblo boys every night. katie made out with this guy trevor and i got my first kiss from this guy zach. we were talking to trevor and we discovered two very funny/ironic/pathetic things about them. first of all, zach wasnt there so i asked him why not... apparently zach got some girl pregnant. haha, thats great. i feel stupid. even worse, secondly we discovered that trevor is a huge jerk! he was being really stupid and was apologizing to katie that he had a girlfriend... i mean come on it was like a year ago! ugh! the boys that we spend a week of our time with and remember as such cool guys are totally stupid. so yah. but, one of the guys damien said my second favorite quote of the day. "don't you think i look like orlando bloom?" we replied with, "no, you're not as cute as him."

we also talked to the south park boys. in tennesee jenn and hols hung out with them and the rest of us thought they were stupid and we really hated them. so we were talking to them, and found out that they are really cool, and we felt stupid for hating them. ((wow, it probably seems really pathtic that there are all guys in these stories, but our team is basically the only team in DI that has girls on it so we end up meeting alot of guys at these things. apparently we're all pretty hot... and that probably sounds really weird... so never mind. lol)) well, i don't know what else to say. my team got 9th place but we still had a great time, so i don't care. i probably just made myself sound really retarted with my DI story... haha...so i'm just gunna go and find something to do, because i'm home alone on a saturday night. boo!

girl drama.

2005-04-25T20:58:00.000-06:00

my friends are fighting
and it all started over a
piece of f-ing trash...
trash.
i mean, i know theres more too it...
but come on.
its so immature.
its driving me nuts.
girls. are. stupid.
ugh.
i want out of high school!

* yay.

2005-04-19T15:20:00.000-06:00

life is such a rollercoaster of events. one day i'm completely upset, feeling like things will never go on, and the next day, i'm praising God for all of my many blessings. last week was very emotional for me. i cried three times in two days. i think i must have just been stressed. wednesday night i started crying in yg. i was just frustrated with everyone and i was missing deanna alot. it was horrible. thursday was even worse. i was really freaking out about my english application essay and taking the act and everything. it just hit me hardcore that i'm gunna be going to college next year and i'm not very prepared at all. i just got really scared that i'm going to be leaving my family and my friends and my church. i guess i shouldn't be scared yet, because i am only a junior... i was just stressing about it, and i cried twice that night. it was fine because since i was talking to matt i got to talk out my frustration. he probably didnt like that too much, haha. i'm sure nobody likes to listen to thier girlfriend cry on the phone and complain about crap. the week got better after that though....
despite all the tears of last week, it was also insanely happy! friday night i went to a rockies game with my youth group and it was so fun! i love my yg despite my frustrations. prom was on saturday and it was soooo fun! it was me and matt's four month. thats so crazy! four months! we had the greatest group too :) i've never had as much fun at a dance! the dj was really good and everyone was having a wonderful time. it was completely drama free which is so flipping amazing cuz that NEVER happens! haha. i don't know how to post pics on my blog but.... matt and jessica have hot pics! so go there. that's it. prom was fun!!! and school is almost over!!!! woohoo! which means its almost summer! and deanna comes home in TWENTY TWO DAYS! :) yay!

* good things to come...

2005-04-06T18:07:00.000-06:00

today was a really good day. i was listening to matt's ipod on the way up to cu and i really want one now! haha, i am obsessed with the "shuffle music" thing. the first ten songs i heard were all amazing...
1. hoopes i did it again, relient k
2. over the moon, rent
3. grand theft autumn, fall out boy
4. i get lost, eric clapton
5. bewitched, frank sinatra
6. artist in the ambulance, thrice
7. mr. brightside, the killers
8. love song, pippin
9. i'm not ok, my chemical romance
10. adding to the noise, switchfoot
that made me think it was going to be a good day and week and everything. i duno, i'm a loser. but, i had a great time up at cu today. it makes me want to graduate and do something new and more exciting with my life. i don't know what i want to do for college, but i know i need to look into it. i have gotten stuck on going to acu or harding and i have not looked into anything else and i think i've been clinging to those schools because i'm scared. i need to have an open mind and pray hardcore about it. oh well, today was really fun. i hung out with austin and jessica alot and i really want to hang out with them more. i am stuck in my little bubble, i hang out with the same people and i never do anything new. so, i want to hang out. wink wink you two! haha. i am looking forward to things to come, i feel very good about life to come... :) and, deanna made me happy today.
AnnaDee102: i just wanted to say that amanda nicole harrison is the hottest girl in colorado and i love her and miss her SOO stinkin much, sometimes i dont know what to do cuz i just feel like i need to talk to her. she is a wonderful friend and a blessing from God. i cant wait to see her in may, and we are gonna have so much fun this summer! your amazing girl! hugs luvs and butt slaps!! MUAH!!:-D
i can't wait for summer. i'm looking forward to kadesh, my mission trip, deanna being home, sun, late night trips to wendys, dancing in the rain, going to the park, seeing my cousins matt and amy everyday, going to jenni's cabin, driving random places, warped tour, service projects, hanging out wednesdays after church, and oh so much more. its too far away!!! well, i need to go do homework. i will never go to college if i don't pass my classes :)
**maybe he won't find out what i know, you were the last good thing about this part of town...**

2005-04-02T22:26:00.000-07:00

my youth group is falling apart. thats it. and with it, i'm falling apart too. i need that support system because without, i've seen myself slipping away. i can't do this on my own... me and casey were talking about this tonight, and we realized that we need to step up. if nobodys gunna step up and fix things then our youth group is going to honestly crumble. tonight i realized that i'm needed on this earth and God put me here to accomplish amazing things. i can't let my own selfish desires screw that up, because the truth is, the world needs me.
"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your father in heaven. " Matthew 5:16

* SPRING BREAK.

2005-03-30T18:04:00.000-07:00

SPRING BREAK SO FAR...
*saw ring two... its not very good, don't see it.
*hung out at rachel's, kinda anti-climatic night
*easter service, i got super burnt, but i really loved it this year. it was good times with mommy :) ((i really think she is starting to get serious about her developing relationship with the lord and she is sincerly interested in it.))
*easter brunch, chelsea freaked out as always. grr.
*cleaned out the basement.
*hung out with my mommy lots. saw miss congeniality 2. it was ok.
*got cute new shoes and tons of stuff for like a dollar at mervyns. it was exciting.
* :( missed out on good times at austins because i couldn't find his address and his line was busy. grr.
*watched office space. i forgot how awesome that movie was!
*hung out with church peeps. good times. funny story, jeff and clay wrote a note to our waitress and and left bryson's number... but he found it and got insanely pissed. he started beating on clay. i thought it was entertaining.
*amazing race was very exciting this week!
*today i painted a room in our basement. the walls are red and the floor is purple!
*right now i'm going to napoleon night at church tonight!
*casey comes home tonight :)
YAY FOR SPRING BREAK!

i always see things like this in other people blogs and i'm bored, so you guys should do it. EVERYBODY!
leave an anonymous comment with:
--One compliment towards me.
--One thing you dislike about me.
--Lyrics to a song.
--Your best friend's name.
--One person that you miss right now.
--What our relationship is...
--When the last time we hung out was.
--What your favorite part about me is
--A little hint to who you are

* woohoo!

2005-03-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

today was a happy day. lets start off at the begining... my parents are over thier fear of snow. before today snow + amanda driving = bad. but no longer! woohoo! so i DROVE to school in the SNOW. haha. so then, i forgot to look at the list for theatre ensemble but amy altman enlightened me and informed me that i am a new member of ensemble next year. unlike others, i am very happy that it is seventh hour. i wasn't planning on taking senior option anyways, and it will be cool to have a great class like that at the end of the day. so that was very exciting... but then i had to wait ALL f-ing day to find out whether i made goldtones or not. grrr. so i went on with my day. in history i found out the scariest thing, it is actually possible to make a nuclear bomb in your basement. um, wow. that makes me feel insanely safe. in choir mrs. mckasson had me, megan, and alexis sing with casey. i was almost positive that she was trying to pick between the three of us. crap, i thought. i went through the rest of my day freaking out. the rest of the day was a blur... lots of snow, lots of laughs. in theatre i found out that dan gladem got asked to prom (yay! a cool sophomore actually getting to go, unlike all the slutty sophomore girls that get to go...) and that austin is for sure asking jenni! yay! hes gunna make a big poster with tennis relating things written on it and her parents are gunna hide at the bottom of the car underneath her suitcase. now shes driving to st. george and i'm dieing cuz i want her to see it!!! eek! so thats great. and then, it came to be the end of the day. me and megan ran to the choir room... and to much surprise i look at the alto list. casey monsees. emmy bauer. megan sheehan. alexis naylor. cyndi coltharp. some other girl. and... AMANDA HARRISON. i made goldtones! i am soooo happy. its probably not gunna as good next year but oh well. i am in it and that is awesome. so next year, i have two choirs and a theatre class. woohoo! yay for a fun senior year!

i always see things like this in other people blogs and i'm bored, so you guys should do it. EVERYBODY!
leave an anonymous comment with:
--One compliment towards me.
--One thing you dislike about me.
--Lyrics to a song.
--Your best friend's name.
--One person that you miss right now.
--What our relationship is...
--When the last time we hung out was.
--What your favorite part about me is
--A little hint to who you are

* F-ING DRAMA.

2005-03-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

MY FRIENDS ARE DRIVING ME UP THE WALL. IS IT REALLY THAT BIG OF DEAL IF WE AREN'T TOGETHER FOR ONE F-ING NIGHT? SO WE'RE NOT ALL GOING TO PROM TOGETHER. SO WE'RE SPLITTING UP. SO SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING. IT'S NOT REALLY THAT BIG OF A DEAL AND SOMEHOW I GET STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THE PROBLEMS. I NEVER EVEN KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT THIER STUPID PLANS UNTIL I WAS ALREADY F-ING EVERYTHING UP. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS. PROM ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ALL THE STUPID PETTY FIGHTS, ITS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. AHHHH. THATS WHY I'M NOT GOING WITH ANY OF MY GOOD FRIENDS, BECAUSE ITS TOO ANNOYING. IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT HAVING A GOOD TIME AND HANGING OUT WITH MATT AND MY FRIENDS (THAT WON'T CAUSE DRAMA.)

* why not?

2005-03-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

So i'm going to be a total loser and post the lyrics to a hillary duff song... but i absolutely love it. it's so true though, everyone is always holding on to their fears of what others think and etc. when they should just be living their lives! my mom says i need to be more laid back... shes probably right! (i omitted some lines of the song that were eithier really dumb of just not relevant.)

So walk a little slower
And open up your eyes
Sometimes it's so hard to see
The good things passing by

There may never be a sign
No flashing neon light
Tellin' you to make your move
Or when the time is right

So why not
Take a crazy chance
Why not
Do a crazy dance
If you lose a moment
You may lose a lot
So, why not

Instead of listenin' to your heart
You do just what your told
You keep waiting where you are
For what you never know

Why not, take a star from the sky
Why not, spread your wings and fly
It might take a little
And it might take a lot
But why not

* running back to You.

2005-03-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

Lord: I keep screwing up. At the beginning of this year I said that I was going to completely dedicate my life to You and that I was gonna do something in the world. I screwed up. I have given up trying to be a leader in my youth group at the time when they really need me. After the high school retreat was I convinced that You wanted me to take charge in the youth group, and I went with it for a while, but I just gave up. I don't see the hope. I've given up on being a good daughter and sharing You with parents and it's jeopardizing my relationship with them. I don't even know them anymore. I've been being a horrible friend. I haven't even hung out with my friends (as a group) in so long, and I feel like I've been keeping my life from them. And, worst of all, I think all of these things stem from the fact that I've been screwing up in my relationship with Matt. At the the beginning of this school year I promised You I wasn't going to date anybody unless the relationship was completely based on You. I've been letting go of You slowly, somehow thinking that everything was still going to be okay. It's not. I know I need to bring You back into my life and You need to be more a priority. In the end You are more important than anything. *running back to You... running back like you want me to*

* twenty four.

2005-03-12T16:49:00.000-07:00

i have been listening to switchfoot today... i absolutely LOVE the song 24. the song definetely hits home... i am a total screwup, and i've definetely not been focusing on god lately. this song just reminds me that at the beginning of the day, i have a clean slate and another chance to start over.
life is not what i thought it was twenty four hours ago...

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures and
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
There's twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
You see I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me yeah, yeah
I want to see miracles, to see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
All of my symphonies
With twenty four parts
Life is not what I thought it was, twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing, Spirit take me up in arms
I'm not copping out
Not copping out
Not, I'm not copping out

2005-03-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

SpyderX911 (5:13:06 PM): you know the saying "there's more fish in the sea"
lostandfoundx0 (5:13:24 PM): yah
SpyderX911 (5:13:44 PM): people say it to me all the time or something like it
SpyderX911 (5:13:49 PM): i don't believe it
SpyderX911 (5:14:04 PM): i never tell that to people in that situation
SpyderX911 (5:14:42 PM): because although there are more girls out there, there's not another one like her
lostandfoundx0 (5:15:04 PM): hmmm
lostandfoundx0 (5:15:13 PM): maybe thats true
SpyderX911 (5:16:33 PM): if you have the biggest and best fish ever in the waters on earth on the end of your line you reel and reel and reel until you've got it or it gets you or you go down with the ship
SpyderX911 (5:16:48 PM): you don't go catch a different fish
lostandfoundx0 (5:17:05 PM): that is so true (and incredibly adorable)
SpyderX911 (5:17:13 PM): because if you don't catch the big one, you'll never forget it
SpyderX911 (5:17:41 PM): and there's no way around it
lostandfoundx0 (5:17:50 PM): yes
SpyderX911 (5:19:41 PM): i think about the whole subject of love and all that way more than i should
SpyderX911 (5:19:49 PM): or is safe
SpyderX911 (5:19:52 PM): lol
lostandfoundx0 (5:20:01 PM): i think its so sweet

2005-03-01T16:59:00.000-07:00

god i am sick of the crazyness of the world... i am pulled so many directions... pressure from my parents, friends, youth group, other people, god... just so much pressure to be so many different people. i've just been feeling so helpless... it's a scary feeling. on sunday night i started bawling on the way home from pure by choice with casey becuase of the musical and goldtones and stuff. i feel so horrible about not being in the musical and i am having doubts on my chances of getting into goldtones and its just horrible. i don't feel god in my life and my motivation to be "christian" is completely gone. i just feel so worthless. i just haven't been all perky lately and things that used to make me happy, such as theatre and choir, don't make me happy anymore. i can't even find the motivation to get out of bed anymore... i feel so depressed right now, and i don't even know why... i'm bawling my eyes out and i don't like it.

"i have strayed, from the path that you've laid down for me lord, but what can i do? i am the problem... i am helpless in myself."

* bored.

2005-02-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

DESCRIBE-
1. Your heritage: good question
2. The shoes you wore today: my black ballet slipper looking shoes
3. Your hair: oh dear, so, it's naturally blond, and i dye it red, and today i tried to re-dye it blond, and.... it's still red
4. Your weakness: hmmm
5. Your Fears: snakes, silence, and i duno
6. Your perfect pizza: pepperoni
7. One thing you'd like to achieve: um, right now i'm just focusing on getting into college
8. Your thoughts first waking up: "already?"
10. Your bedtime: its usually around 10, 10:30
11. Your most missed memory: hmmm, i duno, i guess i would have to say freshman year, when me, jenn, jake, and kirk hung out all the time... and the two snowboarding trips up to my cabin
YOU PREFER-
12. Pepsi or Coke: COKE
13. McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald’s
14. Single or group dates: it depends
15. Adidas or Nike: ADIDAS! (soccer)
16. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: doesn't matter
17. Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
18. Cappuccino or coffee: coffee
DO YOU-
19. Smoke: nope
20. Sing: YES! I love singing!
21. Take a shower everyday: i'm not gunna lie, sometimes i just dont feel like it
22. Have a crush: hmm, i duno
23. Who is she/he: :) matt
24. Think you've been in love: um, yes i have...
25. Want to go to college: harding, acu, or azuza
26. Like high school: most of the time
27. Want to get married: yep yep
28. Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: no, lol
29. Think you're attractive: hm, i guess i do most of the time
30. Think you're a health freak: no
31. Get along with your parents: hmmm kinda
32. Play an instrument: no
GENERAL INFO-
33. My name is: Amanda
34. Height: 5 foot 5 inches
35. Favorite toe: i have messed up toes
36. In the morning I am: tired and just wanting to stay in bed
37. All I need is: God, Family, and Friends
38. Love is: worth everything, the message i get from pippin is that love is the only thing that is truely fulfilling
39. If I could see one person right now: deanna!
40. I dream about: scary stuff
WHO-
41. Was the last person you slow danced with: matt
42. Makes you laugh the most: all of them (especially on adventure days)
43. Makes you smile: All my friends
44. Gives you a funny feeling when you see them: hm, thats kinda odd
47. Easiest to talk to: my friends cause, well, they are my friends? Hehe, silly survey thing
DO YOU EVER-
48. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: no no no! boys confuse me!
49. Cry because of someone saying something to you: oh yes
HAVE YOU EVER-
50. Fallen for your best friend: kinda
51. Been rejected: who hasnt?
52. Rejected someone: :( yes
53. Used someone: no
54. Done something you regret: absolutely
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON-
55. You talked to on the phone: i'm talking to jenni
56. Hugged: my mom
57. You laughed with: i laughed at john when he was singing christines part on the headset
DO YOU-
58. Color your hair: yep
59. Ever get off the computer: Yes.
60. Habla espanol: kinda
61. Like MTV: yah, guilty pleasure
62. Sleep for at least 12 hours: no

A is for age: 16
B is for brand of clothes: whatever is cute
C is for career: nothing
D is for dad's name: chris
E is for essential item to bring to a party: its not a party without manda
F is for favorite song at this moment: all the pippin ones, but especially corner of the sky
G is for girlfriend: yes, i am one. probably a terrible one, but matts stuck around for this long so maybe i'm doing something right.
H is for hometown: englewood, co
I is for instruments you play: i sing
J is for jam or jelly you like: strawberry jelly, and the stuff my g-ma used to make
K is for kids: awww… so cute. But I don’t have any!
L is for living arrangement: House with parents
M is for mom's name: steph
N is for name of your best friend: hmm... casey and jenni i would say
O is for overnight hospital stays: only when i was a wee one and i had my mini coma
P is for phobia(s): snakes!
Q is for quote you like: "everything is ok in the end. if its not ok, its not the end."
R is for relationship that lasted the longest: um, this one... lol. it's been a lil more than two months... (i was with cory for like 5, but that was 6th grade so it doesn't really count)
S is for schools you attended: traylor(k-5), northridge(6), ranch view(7), mountain ridge(8), mountain vista (9,10,11)
T is for time you wake up: my alarm goes off at 5:47
U is for unique trait: according to matt i have alot of "cute quirks"
V is for vegetable you love: i love carrots (people say they make you're boobs grow bigger but i highly doubt that)
W is for worst habit: biting my nails!! UGGH!
X is for x-rays you've had: teeth, lol, arm, foot, and a cat scan when i was little (the coma thing)
Y is for yummy food you make: um, spagetti is the extent of my cooking
Z is for zodiac sign: virgo

* lol.

2005-02-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

evan (mr. johnson's son): i am definetely gunna go clubbing...
casey: YOU'RE gunna go clubbing? and your dads ok with that?
evan: yah, alot of guys do club wrestling.
casey: oh, club wrestling! well, its basically the same thing... sex with clothes on!

* fun weekend.

2005-02-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

so this weekend was really insanely fun! on friday we had a half day so we all went to mimi's cafe for lunch for jenn and jessa's bdays. after lunch some of us went to see hitch (that new will smith movie) and it was so cute! hehe, i loved it. it was one of those movies that was just as entertaining for the girls as it was for the boys... at least i think that matt, mike, and jake liked it as much as the girls... so it was wonderful. it showed a totally down to earth view of love, which i really liked. after that i went to my cousins bball game. he only got to play for like 3 minutes which kinda sucked. (so while i was at the game i missed a call from my friend clay and when i asked him why he called he said it was my friend james and he was calling cuz "he wants to date me". that kinda weirds me out, cuz james knows that i have a boyfriend AND that i don't date guys from church. its weird....)
So then saturday it was tech day so i was at school for 6 1/2 hours... I learned how to use the cool cutting wood thing (circular saw?) and i cut half of the wood for the pippin sign :) yay! (amy: aw, it was so cute when matt was teaching you to cut wood. awwwwww.) hehe... i did lots of velcroing also. and goldson told me i get to be in the catwalk the WHOLE play which is so exciting!!! hehe. but, goldson kinda pissed me off with one VERY annoying quote::
mrs. phillis: do you think these costumes are too confining?
goldson: i'm not sure. hey amanda, put this on and see if you can do the dances in them...
me: goldson, i'm not even in the show.
goldson: why not?
grrr. he pissed me off so bad. why not? maybe because you didn't cast me you idiot. god, he drives me so nuts sometimes.... so anyways, that was tech day. after tech i went over to jenni's house. so i got ready with jenni and then the two of us left to go get the boys... we just assumed that john's car would be in front of his house, so we didn't get the house number and we went to get him and his car was definetely NOT in front of his house. we had no idea what house was his and we didn't know what to do so we had to go get matt and come back to john's house. it was a very entertaining start to the night.
dinner was very fun and very DRAMA FREE which is really f-ing amazing!!! i mean, come on, my friends aren't exactly drama free in any situation! haha. after dinner we left for the dance (at 8 o clock, who does that?) we went to the dance and had an insano fun time. everyone kept saying today that the dj sucked and everything, but i thought that he was really good! even if the dj did suck, i still probably would have had an amazing time! i can't dance at all, so i just dance like a total weirdo and ACT like i know what i'm doing... which generally works out pretty well. matt says "i'm a good dancer" but i don't know what the crap he's talking about!!! i'm so spactic! when me, jenni, and emmy saw mckenzie we ran and jumped on her screaming super loud and her boyfriend ryan was scared to death. (ryan: your friends seem really fun. mckenzie: you have no idea!) it was great. its also a very good thing thats emmys new boyfriend is outgoing, otherwise he woulda been scared to death by how weird we are. Haha, oh well, what would you expect? haha. so yah... the dance was fun... i broke my number one rule about boys tho. my number one rule is to never kiss anyone around my friends (because i know i will get crap from someone because thats just how they would be) and ... i broke the rule. three times. (darn you matt, making me want to kiss you! how could you do such a thing!?!) i had kinda forgotten about it, and i kinda thought that maybe nobody saw, until emmy told me she thought it was funny. she said she thought it was weird to see me kissing anybody. thanks emmy. lol, i'm kidding, but still.
so, yah. sadies was fun. the dance was great, but i seriously think my favorite part was after the dance when me, jenni, john, and matt were sitting at her kitchen table talking. it was wonderful... so this sounds really dumb but i think that it would be so awesome if jenni and john hooked up. jennis mom even said that the four of us make a good little group. (haha sorry jenni, but its true, you too do look good together and it does make a ton of sense...) lol, yah, but its not like that would really happen. i can't force them together if they don't want to date.... lol. i already used my incredible brainwashing powers to get jenni to ask him to the dance (unless i'm completely oblivious and my powers really didn't do anything and she was gunna ask him anyways) haha. lol, i'm done.
so, happy valentines day everyone. wanna know something ironic? me and matt both made eachother cds... haha. i thought my idea was good, but then he had the same idea! i guess we're a good match then... (despite what silly data match says) well, homework calls. YAY.

* wooaaah buddy.

2005-02-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

austin mcelyea (whispering in my ear): after school i'm going to buy fuzzy handcuffs at walgreens.
me: woooaah austin, you go from jaclyn not being able to date one day to buying fuzzy handcuffs the next day. and shes mormon... wow!
austin: i've got my ways of doing things...
me: apparently you do!

* happy v-day tomorrow.

2005-02-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

me: i burnt my finger when i was taking my brownies out of the oven and it KILLS...
jenni: wow, valentines day is painful even when you do have a boyfriend.
me: haha, apparently!

* .....

2005-02-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

ok, so some things have been happening lately with ____... just stuff like him getting in a car accident and him not coming to church as much and me getting made at him wednesday... and me and mandy were talking about him and the effect he did have on me. (ok, so i really hate not ever explaining things about him in detail, but i just don't know how to explain it. we never really had a relationship... i was too scared to let anything official happen. everyone knew we should be together, but i wouldn't let it happen. not only was he a guy from church, but i was also scared... i liked him for a really long time, and we were never together, but it was weird because even tho we never had a relationship i always knew i loved him, no words were needed. basically up until thanksgiving i still has feelings for him.... we would always sit outside the church and talk for a long time. we would just stand there by my car talking about basically everything. things didn't really officially end, since they never officially began, but i felt hurt anyways. i felt that chapter of my life closing, and i was hurt and scared.... i got over him after a while, and it was hard... but i did. i learned alot from him, about myself and love and all sorts of other things. i learned that i can't be scared about everything and i learned that i need to be true to myself and open up. theres no way anyone else is ever going to love me if i always run scared away.)

me: god, why does he have to keep coming up in my life?
mandy: cuz he's a big part of u becoming u, he shaped a lot of u ideas on love and relationships and such. he's a big part of ur life.
me: yah, i guess you're right
me: the other day i was talking to my mom about matt and she said that she thinks i'm starting to make excuses so that thngs won't work out
mandy: she's prolly right manda... u guys are perfect for each other and u run scared when that happens
me: what? u really think we are?
mandy: yes
me: wow, nobody else has said that
mandy: well we all think it
me: haha, see that really scares me to death
mandy: yeah i know it does manda...u can't let it
me: that what i always do, run scared, and i guess i'm acting scared with matt too....
mandy: yes u do and yes u are
me: i don't know how to fix it
mandy: just realize that not everything turns out bad
me: yah....

so not everything turns out bad, and i know that. but i can't help but be scared even though i know i shouldn't. i know that i can't have fear, but i just can't help it. so then i try and open up and make it appear like i can make things work in a relationship but in my mind i'm going crazy... never letting things go and never getting rid of the thought in my mind that at any moment things could be over. i am always paranoid.... AHHH.

* purpose?

2005-02-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

i've really been questioning my purpose lately. why did God put me on this earth? at the moment i really feel like i am stuck. my life just seems so insignificant in the grand scheme of the earth because there is so much more i could be doing. i need to find something to apply myself to, something meaningful. i just have really been thinking about this. i was talking to my friend landon from kadesh, and he made me feel a little better about this...
landon: well I'm pretty sure you have a purpose and it's pretty darn important, though I cant say what it is. you've already played a role in my life for whatever its worth.
that makes me feel great, i am just really having some major doubts. what is my mark on the world at this point? am i really making a difference and impact? whats the purpose? it feels worthless. so unwanted by the loss of my value. i can't find it, not in the least bit. and i'm just scared, scared that i'll fail You.

* yay.

2005-02-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

three funny quotes from yesterday...
hols: whos paul mccartney?
jenni: is that arrow painted on the field? is the patriots and eagles thingys painted on? whats the line of scrimmage?
someone (i just remember hearing it): they only had paul mccartney do halftime cuz he wouldn't show his boobs. i don't know why tho, because i'm sure he has nice boobs...
lol. good times. i really do love my friends...
and, i'm very excited for sadies cuz jenni asked john and he said yes. and everyone else has a date. yay. its gunna be great.

* blah.

2005-02-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

On Saturday night the light rail train that should have been at the 16th and California station crashed into a building so we had to walk over to a different station. It turns out that the train crashed like 10 minutes before that.... if we wouldn't have been stuck waiting for the cool baloon guy at the spagetti factory for the extra ten minutes we could have been on that train. We could have died. the balloon man is my new hero. he saved our lives. ((ok, so i know that it is not guarenteed that we would have been on THAT exact train, but it is still really scary that it happened when we could have been on it)) thats so scary.

I am failing chemistry and my teacher doesn't help me. I started crying in chem this morning cuz i just don't get it and my teacher wouldn't sign my form to take anatomy. ugh, i hate crying at school. i just played the contact bit and went to the bathroom, but ah. my parents are going to think i'm failing because i don't do my homework but i really just don't get it. its too much like math and i suck at math. and math is really hard this semester and i have a test tomorrow and i don't have any idea how to do any of the crap. i feel so stupid when it comes to math and science, because my mind just doesn't process that stuff right. and i have to read ALL of Huck Finn and write an analytical essay by Friday. i shouldn't have been procrastinating so much, but i just haven't been focusing on school as much as i should be.... its just so hard and i am not ready to apply to college and stuff and i just keep being reminded every day that its coming up soon and that i'm not ready.

And, Thule has pancritis. I didn't know that a dog could get something like that but apparently it is possible. He ate half a thing of ibuprofen that had gotten knocked off the counter :( I am very scared now. It isn't deadly or anything but he has been throwing up everywhere for a few days now and I have to help my daddy give him shots and give him special medicine in his food. it makes me sad. i am very attached to thule, he is my baby. i hope he starts to feel better soon!

Ugh, I hate this. I've been stressing out so much and I try not to take it out on other people, but sometimes it just happens. I got really upset in theatre yesterday because it was a bad day and i couldn't understand stuff in math and science and i was stressing out, so i just didn't want to do anything. i was just so mad and then i was being retarted and told goldson his assignment sucked. i freaked out on my mom when i got home from school and i started yelling and crying for no reason. i just can't handle stress very well and i always take it out on other people. last year hols and jenn thought i had a serious problem and told my mom that i needed to see a psychologist because i was always freaking out on them, and i probably did have a problem. i honestly get too angry sometimes and thats when i end up freaking out about crap. i havent done this in a long time.... so i'm started to get scared that everything from last year is coming back to me. i really am happy this year, but i just stress out too much. i just... need a break or something to help me focus.

* oh life.

2005-01-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

i hate drama. i hate it.
i want nothing to do with it.
so how bout drama just
stays away from my life...
that would be so wonderful!
but wait, girls thrive on
stupid stupid drama.
yay for being a girl.

on that note... a funny quote, from my NO DRAMA day downtown:
guy-are you still using this napkin?
em-yah i think i'm gunna need it.
guy-ok. *picks up napkin and uses it*

blegh. things are so retarted. the only people i ever hang out with anymore are casey, jenni, and emmy. i hang out with them because they are the ones in the group that still make me happy and still make me want to be with them. i feel like i can be myself around those girls, and that is amazing to me. i'm very blessed by them. i hang out with my girls, and matt. me and matt have been together about a month and a half now, and i really like spending time with him for the same reason i love spending time with my girls. i can be myself around him which is really awesome. i really don't know why i have a boyfriend because i am such a loser and i always say the stupidest things and i don't even try to be hot. lol, funny quote... "i am living proof that you don't have to be hot to have a boyfriend". its so true tho. (matt says that he doesn't know why i like him, but thats so dumb, because i really do. why wouldn't i?) sadie hawkins is coming up in a few weeks. last weekend jenni helped me decorated matt's car to ask him to sadies. it was fun, it had lots of streamers and a hot pink poster and some balloons. it was great. the dance should be fun because all of my friends are going and the theme is mardi gras. yesterday me and casey bought really cool stuff at forever 21 to wear to the dance and it is so great. i'm excited.

oh how funny life is....

* happy!

2005-01-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

i am really happy right now for many reasons!
reason number one: casey and i are going to the relient k concert on feb. 26 and i love them! it will be really fun to go with casey, and the other two bands they are with seem pretty good. i have never heard of them but i listened to them at purevolume.com and them sound really cool.
reason number two: I am registering for Kadesh tomorrow which is super exciting. Kadesh is so flipping amazing and I can't wait for summer to be here so that I can go to kadesh again. the theme this year is hope which should be really awesome.
reason number three: this sounds really retarted, but my schedule for next year is really awesome. i am taking: english 4, ap european history, ap psychology, tric/calc a, anatomy & physiology 1st semester some sort of pe class 2nd semester, concert choir, and theatre production. i am most excited for ap psyc... it is gunna be amazing!
reason number four: i really love my church and how uplifting it is for me to go there. i am still having some major doubts but i love seeing everyone there and just spending time with them. it makes me have a little bit more faith in the human race! lol
thats really all for now.
"but now i'm sunny with a high of 75 since you took my heavy heart and made it light. it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive!"

2005-01-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

i am genuinly pissed off right now for no reason and it is a combination of yucky classes and my friends driving me crazy and improv and everything. i want to cry but i can't and i'm just going crazy. i feel like i need more focus on my life. everything seems to just be all jumbled together and i stress out about the same things and it's just no good at all. lately i've been feeling like i don't really fit in with my group of friends anymore which really freaks me out. i don't feel like i can be myself around them anymore... i don't know why thats just how it is. i really felt that way in europe.
it sucks alot because i really don't have any other friends besides them. i have my youth group, but since every lives so far away its hard to spend time with them. i guess that is really my main motivation to continue going to youth group on sundays and wednesdays so i can see my church friends. i really have no motivation otherwise... i really don't feel god in my life anymore which scares me but i don't really know how to fix it. i've been abandoning my faith that meant so much to me for so long, but i just can't seem to find a way to focus... i need to find a way to get refocused on god because i've been stressing out hardcore and think that is partly why.
I NEED GOD RIGHT NOW.

** more than useless.

2005-01-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like I would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters , and I admit here while I sit here my mind wastes away and my thoughts stick together. Whats the purpose? It feels worthless. So unwanted by the loss of my value. I can't find it, not in the least bit and I'm just scared, scared that I'll fail you. And sometimes I think that, that I'm not any good at all. And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all. But then you assure me, I'm a little more than useless. When I think that I can't do this , You promise me that I'll get through this and do something right, do something right for once. So I say if I can do something significant I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted and nothing trivial to let me give you will measure up to what might have replaced it. To rate look in my date book -it's packed full of days that were empty and now gone. And not that the regret will prove to get me to improve in the long run. And sometimes I think that, that I'm not any good at all. And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all. But then you assure me, I'm a little more than useless. When I think that I can't do this , You promise me that I'll get through this and do something right, do something right for once. I'm a little more than useless and I never knew I knew this. Is gonna the day. gonna be the day that I will do something right, do something right for once. I noticed I know this week is the symbol of how I use my time. Resented, I spend it convincing myself the world's doing just fine without me doing anything with any consequence, without me showing anytime with ever making sense of my time. It's my life and my right to use it like I should, like He would for the good of everything that I would ever know. I'm a little more than useless. When I think that I can't do this, You promise me that I'll get through this and do something right, do something right for once. I'm a little more than useless and never knew I knew this. Is gonna the day, gonna be the day that I will do something right, do something right for once. **Relient K**

Long Division Just Doesn't MatterCause We're All In This Together.

meet my prom dress.

my feelings at the moment, represented through music.

funnyness.

* DO IT DO IT DO IT...

* HAPPY.

*my life...

* hurry up and get here!

*tee he he*

*my heroes are old school :)

* happy fourth.

* be my escape.

* a tribute to my bestest friend...

HOPE.

.....

* so it's summer...

me and the cops have been seeing too much of eachother lately...

* poor hans.

* i'm ready to do Your will.

* my di girlies.

girl drama.

* yay.

* good things to come...

* SPRING BREAK.

* woohoo!

* F-ING DRAMA.

* why not?

* running back to You.

* twenty four.

* bored.

* lol.

* fun weekend.

* wooaaah buddy.

* happy v-day tomorrow.

* .....

* purpose?

* yay.

* blah.

* oh life.

* happy!

** more than useless.

tee he he